


The Secrets We Told

by Mnemosyne_Elegy



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Angst, Avatar and post-Avatar, But some slow burn romance, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mostly friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 08:49:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16909872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mnemosyne_Elegy/pseuds/Mnemosyne_Elegy
Summary: Erza and Gray had always lived in secret worlds behind their walls, careful not to let anyone see too much. But Erza draws the line at Avatar. Gray is keeping secrets, and she wants in. As she slowly wears him down and lets him in little by little in return, their separate little worlds draw closer and closer together, one secret at a time.





	The Secrets We Told

"Hey, how are you–?"

"Sorry, we have to make this quick."

"What happened?"

"You know how I found out about that practice purification ritual the other branch was planning and you set the Council on them?"

"…They figured out there's a mole."

"They've suspected for a while, but that gave it away. That's highly classified information."

"Do you need to pull out?"

"No, I just have to be careful. They pegged someone else as the traitor since he was the newest, but I'm under suspicion too. Especially since he didn't confess before…"

"Before what? What happened to him?"

"…He's dead."

"I want you out of there now. This is becoming too dangerous."

"I can't. You know how important this is. I need to be here when the purification ritual happens."

"But if they–"

"I'll handle it. Anyway, I'll try to call next Friday, alright? They're planning some kind of raid, but I'll let you know when I have the details."

"I really think–"

"Sorry, I really have to go."

"But are you okay?"

"…"

"Gray?"

"Of course. I'm fine."

"But–"

"I have to go. Talk to you later."

"Gra–"

_*click*_

~.~

Erza paced her flat like a caged beast, her eyes continually flickering to the miniature communications lacrima sitting on the table. She never let it out of her sight anymore, because she never knew when Gray would call. And if he called for an emergency and she wasn't there to answer…

She shook her head sharply to banish the thought. She hadn't counted on how thoroughly this Avatar infiltration mission would break her down. She was a nervous wreck these days, knowing that she'd consigned one of her oldest friends to languish in a dark guild where he could be killed at any moment if he was discovered.

The waiting was the worst, those long stretches of time between calls. Each call carried the risk of discovery, so she couldn't even suggest that they be more frequent. And she couldn't risk calling Gray in case she caught him at a bad time and gave him away, so she was just stuck waiting for him to contact her to relay information every week or two. Even worse was when he missed the scheduled call and Erza was left to worry until he found a better time to reach out. Her hair might all go gray by the end of it.

There were other projects—albeit none quite as important as Avatar's murderous purification ritual—that she should be working on, but she was unwilling to leave town in case Gray needed an emergency evacuation. And after his call last week about the suspicion he was under and the suspected spy's death, she had trouble focusing. She wanted to pull him out now before the snare closed about him too tightly, but he was right that it was important that he stay for as long as possible.

That didn't stop her from worrying, though.

She eyed the pink-frosted cake on the kitchen table, but shook her head. She didn't even have the stomach for cake right now. Her eyes slid back to the lacrima again.

And it rang.

Her heart stopped and she gaped like she'd seen a ghost. Then reality slammed into her with a vengeance and she lunged forward, her hands scrabbling for the device.

"What happened?" she demanded as she lifted it to her ear and accepted the call. "Are you alright? Should I get you out?"

"Whoa, whoa, calm down." Gray's voice was such a welcome sound that Erza wanted to be soothed, but there was nothing soothing about an unexpected call. "Nothing happened. I'm fine."

"You weren't supposed to call until Friday."

"I know, but I wanted to wish you happy birthday."

Erza pulled the device away from her ear and stared at it in disbelief. She lifted it again.

"…Excuse me?"

"You can't possibly have forgotten that it's your birthday. Happy birthday, Erza."

"…Do you have any important information to pass on?"

There was a beat of puzzled silence on the other end of the line. "No? The raid is still being planned out. I should have that information by Friday."

"Are you having an emergency?"

"No…"

"Then why are you calling me?"

"I said–"

"You  _idiot_!" she screeched. "Every call has a risk of discovery! What if someone snuck by your precautions and is listening in? And you're going to risk all that to  _wish me happy birthday_?"

"…Yes?"

"You–"

"Erza, I know the risks. I thought this one was worth taking." Gray's sigh filtered through the ether, and his voice was tired. "You need to take a break from worrying so much."

"I'm not worried."

"You nearly bite my head off every time I call when you aren't expecting it."

"It could be an emergency!"

"It's not. Look, just take a day off. It's your birthday—enjoy it. Have you eaten your whole cake already?"

Erza deflated and threw a forlorn glance at the nearly untouched cake on her kitchen table. "No."

"Okay. Eat a slice, and then eat a slice for me too. Even though I think that stuff is too sweet to be edible."

Erza drifted over to the table and sat down heavily. She stared at the plate in front of her with its neat wedge of cake. She looked across at the plate on the other side of the table, the cake equally untouched.

"…Okay."

"Did you make your wish?"

Her shoulders hunched as she stared across at the empty place. "I wish you were here instead of with those creeps."

"…I'm sorry." Gray sighed again and his weariness was palpable. "I'd be there if I could, but it's not a good time."

"I know." Erza bit her lip, wishing she hadn't made him feel bad about something that wasn't his fault.

"Anyway, it's really about the guild, not me in particular. I know you miss it. It's been lonely without everyone hanging around. But they'll get back together, you'll see. Nothing has ever been able to keep Fairy Tail down for long."

Erza snorted, although the reminder made her heart ache. "You really think so?"

"Of course."

"Because for all the positivity you exude, I still get the feeling that you're not a horribly hopeful or optimistic person."

Her remark was greeted with dead silence, and she kicked herself. Her and her big mouth. She knew that Gray had his insecurities, that he held up a mask and wasn't always as happy and optimistic as he acted, but it wasn't her place to point it out.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I didn't–"

"It's okay. But you know they'll join back up eventually. They're too stubborn not to. Anyway, I wish I could talk longer but I have to go. We have some kind of stupid meeting or something."

"Of course. But are you really okay?"

"Mhm. You worry too much. I'm fine."

But there was something in his voice that didn't ring true.

"You're lying."

"I need to go, Erza. I'll call you on Friday, hopefully."

"Wait, what–?"

"Happy birthday. Do something fun."

The line went dead, and she slowly lowered the lacrima and stared at it. He wasn't fine, and maybe she wasn't either.

And the secrets he kept continued to eat away at her slowly.

* * *

"Hey, how are you?"

"Is something wrong? You called just yesterday. Do you–?"

"Ah, but that was for business. I was actually thinking that we should meet up for Christmas."

"Meet up?"

"Yeah. You know our rendezvous point in the hills outside Malba? I was thinking there."

"Absolutely not."

"Aw, come on."

"They're already watching you. If they–"

"I'll be careful."

"You'd be more careful not to take unnecessary risks."

"I–"

"This is getting ridiculous. You can't–"

"I don't know if I can do this anymore."

"What? Gray, are you alright? What happened?"

"…"

"Gray? Gray, are you there?"

"…Yeah."

"What's wrong?"

"I… I just…"

"Right, I changed my mind. Meet me outside Malba tonight and I'll get you out of there. This has gone far enough."

"No, no, it's nothing. Forget it."

"Uh-uh. If something is so bad that you think–"

"I don't need to call it quits. I just need to get out of here for a few minutes and clear my head."

"I don't think–"

"Not tonight. Christmas evening. Please? I just…need to see a friendly face for a few minutes."

"…"

"Erza?"

"…I'll be there."

"Thank you."

"But we're going to talk about if–"

"Crap, I have to go. See you later."

_*click*_

~.~

Erza shifted from foot to foot and tugged her scarf more tightly about her telltale red hair as she scanned the darkened hills. Gray hadn't been able to give her a specific time when he might be able to sneak away, but every minute that dragged by made her fear for his safety more. What if Avatar caught him or found proof that he was a spy or–?

She shook her head impatiently. She had been especially on edge since that call last week. Something had to have happened for Gray to just blurt out that he couldn't do it anymore. He would never have slipped up like that unless something was really wrong.

A chilly breeze swished past, and she readjusted her scarf and pulled her sweater tighter. This was the kind of Christmas Gray hated, she reflected morosely: no snow, and barely cold enough to need a jacket unless the wind was blowing. It was the kind of Christmas Erza hated too: no guild, and Gray trapped in a dark guild.

A shadow slid across her field of vision, and she slapped a hand over her mouth to stop from screaming.

"It's me, it's me," Gray whispered hurriedly, materializing from the darkness. He was bundled up in a heavy coat with the fur-lined hood pulled down over his face, but he pushed the hood back to reveal tousled black hair and somber eyes.

Erza stared, trying to put her finger on what was different about him. "You can't possibly be cold enough to need that jacket," she blurted out.

"Nah, but I need to hide my face. I don't want them tracking me or anyone spotting me and forwarding on my activities. I don't want to lead them back to you."

It was something about his eyes, she decided. He had dropped his Avatar disguise with the gelled hair and black markings, but his eyes still glittered like broken glass.

Then her brain caught up and she launched herself forward to wrap him in a bone-crushing hug.

"Can't…breathe…" he wheezed, patting her on the back awkwardly.

"Sorry, sorry." She released him and stepped back, her eyes still drinking in his face hungrily. She hadn't seen him in months, and the time hadn't been kind to him. "What happened? Are you okay? Did–?"

"Whoa, whoa, slow down." He looked away and sighed. "Let's not talk about this now. It's Christmas, and we don't have long. Let's enjoy what time we have."

"But–"

"Erza, please. I only have a few minutes. Maybe an hour tops. They're expecting me back soon."

She hesitated. "You'll tell me later?"

"Mm."

That wasn't exactly the promise she was hoping for, but it would have to do. She dropped to her knees and reached over to grab the basket waiting in the grass.

"I brought us food. I mean, I'm not a very good cook or anything so it's mostly sandwiches and stuff, but…"

Gray settled himself across from her, cross-legged. "Sounds perfect," he said with a small flash of a smile.

"I didn't get you anything," Erza mumbled as she laid out their rather pathetic picnic. "I was afraid that you wouldn't be able to bring anything back with you in case someone started asking questions."

"You're exactly right. I didn't have the time or freedom to get you anything either, I'm afraid." He smiled tiredly and leaned over to deposit a handful of jewels in her palm. "You can buy yourself something from me."

She shoved it back at him. "I'm not going to take your money!"

Gray batted her hand away. "It's ill-gotten gains, anyway." The joking was tinged by a grim note.

"Gray–"

"Thanks for meeting me."

"Of course. And it's…nice to be able to spend at least part of Christmas with you. Holidays just aren't the same without the guild."

Gray nodded and nibbled at a corner of his sandwich. "Yeah. It's a lot lonelier without family. But they'll be back sooner or later. Keep your chin up."

Erza missed the guild something terrible, but it would be easier to keep her chin up if Gray could at least set some of her worries about Avatar to rest. But he refused to talk about 'business', and she found it easier to drop the subject for tonight. For tonight, it was enough that she had him for a few minutes.

But it was much too soon when he cast one last look up at the stars before pulling himself to his feet and tugging his hood back up. "I'm sorry, but I have to go. Avatar has its own… _festivities_  planned for the holidays, and there will be questions if I don't attend."

"What kind of festivities?" Erza asked, scrambling to her feet.

Beneath his hood, Gray's eyes flashed grimly. "Nothing terribly fun."

"Don't go back," she blurted out. Desperation leaked into her voice and clouded her eyes. "Come away with me. You don't have to go back."

Gray's eyes softened, and his smile was sad. "I'm going to finish out the mission. Merry Christmas, Erza. I'm sorry I can't stay longer and that I'm not very good company right now. But thanks. I needed this. You keep me sane, and you…you've always been…well…" He trailed off and shifted from foot to foot.

"You're one of my oldest friends too," Erza reassured him, amused by his shyness with emotional matters. "You keep me grounded too. I'm glad that I found you again, even if the rest of the guild is…"

Weary resignation pulled at Gray's features. "…Yeah. Exactly. I'll try to call you in a few days, alright? Be careful getting home."

Erza's throat closed up and hot tears burned in her eyes. She didn't want him to leave again, and definitely not back to that horrible dark guild.

She flung her arms around him and buried her face in his chest, careful not to break any bones this time. "Make sure you come back," she mumbled into his coat. "Come back to me."

Gray's chuckle was weary but fond. "Oh, Erza, I'll always come back for you."

Letting go of him and stepping back was one of the hardest things she had ever done. "Stay safe," she whispered.

And watching him walk away, back to Avatar like a man going to his execution, was the other.

* * *

"Gray? Wha–?"

"This is a code blue. We've got trouble."

"Are you okay? Did one of the dark mages–?"

"That's not it."

"…Someone else blew your cover?"

"Yeah."

"Who? What happened? Does Avatar know?"

"I don't… Look, you talk to him."

"Wait, what–?"

"Huh? What the hell is this?"

"Natsu? Is that you? My, my, now what have you done to Gray's undercover mission?"

"Undercover mission?"

"Of course. You really thought he would join a dark guild? We don't have a lot of time, so get moving. We'll talk on the way. Follow Gray's instructions."

"But what–?"

"I found out about Avatar a while back, and Gray agreed to go in undercover. He's been gathering information on this purification ritual they're planning. They want to wipe out an entire town to attract Zeref's attention."

"That's horrible. Why haven't you put a stop to it?"

"It's a huge organization with many branches, and we've only infiltrated a small part of it. We don't want to risk losing our chance at stopping the ritual, when all the branches are together."

"Let's crush them!"

"Yeah… Natsu, watch Gray's back, will you?"

"Huh? Why? The ice block can take care of himself."

"I know, but…Avatar will be out for blood when they realize he's a spy. They'll turn on him like wolves."

"…That bad?"

"Yeah. He's strong, but… Just keep an eye on him."

"Okay. Will do."

"Thanks. Get me Gray again, will you?"

"Okay."

"…"

"It's me. We're on our way."

"So am I. I'll be meeting up with you shortly. Be careful, alright?"

"I'm always careful."

"Gray, seriously. When they find out you're a spy…"

"They'll be out for my head, I know. You worry too much. I've already survived them for months."

"Just…"

"I know. You stay safe too. I'll see you in a few minutes, 'kay?"

_*click*_

~.~

Erza surveyed the carnage, finding it almost surreal that all those months of planning and spying and worrying had finally paid off. Avatar was defeated, the ritual stopped, Gray freed.

A loud cheer started up and she turned, her mouth curling into a smile as she saw the old Fairy Tail mages celebrating their victory. It was so good to see them all again. Her eye caught on Gray as he tried to shake off Juvia's attentions, and she rushed over with a mixture of worry and relief bubbling in her chest.

"Are you alright?" she demanded, shoving Juvia aside to get a better look.

"I'm fine," he said with a sigh and a half-smile. "You worry too much."

"Where did all these scars come from? They're new."

He had lost his shirt in the fight, and Erza found her eyes tracing the darkened lines of scar tissue crisscrossing his chest and arms. Gray stiffened.

"Nothing," he said shortly, his gaze dropping to the ground.

"Gray–"

He stepped away to retrieve his discarded shirt and pull it back on to cover the troublesome scars. When he turned back, his grin was firmly in place again.

"Did you know that they're planning to reform the guild?" he asked cheerfully.

Erza's heart jumped into her throat and she looked at the others hopefully. "Really?"

"Of course!" Natsu said with a toothy grin. "How dare you guys disband without me?"

That was enough for Erza to temporarily push her worries aside. The world was a darker place without Fairy Tail, and she desperately wanted to see it put back together so that she could reclaim her family and home. Gray could be part of a proper guild again too, and the prospect put him in such a good mood and left him acting so much like his old self that Erza could almost forget about Avatar. It was time for everyone to come back together.

Since Natsu had already sent out some kind of message to all the old members, everything happened fast. Erza was caught up in the whirlwind, left dizzy as she found herself in front of their guild hall with most of their old friends slowly trickling in behind.

Plans would be made tomorrow, after a good night's sleep. Since many of them had moved on from Magnolia during the period of disbandment, there was a mad scramble to find accommodations. Erza was content to spend the night in a hotel, with Lucy in the other bed and the boys across the hall just like old times.

She was still in high spirits when she crawled into bed and fell asleep, but was woken a few hours later by muffled shouting. She rolled over and flailed about in panic, crashing to the floor in a tangle of limbs.

"What is that?" Lucy demanded as she bolted upright. "Is that from the boys' room?"

Erza jumped to her feet and darted across the hall, Lucy hot on her heels. She flipped on the light to see Natsu and Happy on the floor beside Gray, who was deathly pale and wrapped in a trembling ball but at least wasn't screaming anymore.

"What happened?" Erza asked, rushing over. "Are you alright?"

"It's just a nightmare, I think," Happy volunteered. His ears were pressed flat against his skull. "He woke up screaming and fell out of bed."

Gray finally opened his eyes. They were big and dark against his too-pale face, and that broken glass quality was back and more pronounced than ever.

"Are you alright?" Lucy asked anxiously.

He nodded jerkily and used the bedpost to pull himself to his feet before stumbling to the bathroom in a rush. The sound of retching started up, drawing near-identical winces from the assembled team. Erza steeled herself and headed for the bathroom, the others following behind.

Gray was kneeling by the toilet bowl, head bowed and body trembling. He remained motionless except for the tremors, and the team exchanged a worried look.

Even Natsu seemed disconcerted. "Hey, ice block–"

"I'm fine," Gray rasped.

He stood on shaky legs and flushed the toilet. Stepping over to the sink, he washed his hands and face and rinsed his mouth out again and again and again.

Erza looked on, her chest feeling uncomfortably tight. Nothing about Gray screamed 'fine'. She knew that he had nightmares from time to time, that he had plenty of reasons  _to_ have them, but she couldn't help but think that such an explosive reaction must come from new wounds rather than old scars.

"Is it about Avatar?" she asked, the words like ashes in her mouth.

Gray didn't turn around, but he looked up and their eyes met in the mirror. "I'm sorry I woke you up," he said. "I'm fine. You can go back to sleep."

Her heart sank at the confirmation. "Gray–"

"You should get some sleep." Gray turned and pushed past his gathered friends, heading back to curl up in his bed without looking at anyone.

Erza stood frozen, guilt and grief clawing at her heart.

"Avatar?" Lucy whispered finally.

"It was a dark guild," Erza mumbled. "He won't tell me what happened, but..."

"I thought you were exaggerating," Natsu said grimly, "but there's definitely something wrong with him."

Erza nodded and half turned, her gaze drawn to the mound of blankets hiding Gray from view. "He always said he was fine. And he was always lying."

* * *

"Gray, I really think you should tell me–"

"Is this really the time, Erza?"

"Maybe not, but I want to know what happened."

"We don't have time for this, and you can't afford to be distracted right now. If we survive Acnologia and the Spriggans and Zeref, then maybe we can afford to drag up the past."

"If? You've become awfully pessimistic."

"I'm a regular cynic. Look, we have a war to fight. Let it go."

"…I hate that you're right. But we'll talk later."

"Sure. If we survive."

"…Don't do anything stupid."

"Seems like I always do."

~.~

Erza leaned against a crumbling wall. Her body ached, but her spirits soared. They had  _done_ it. The Spriggans were defeated, Zeref was gone, and their absurd plan against Acnologia had actually  _worked_.

She turned with a smile to watch the gathered mages, representatives of all the guilds who had come together to fight this war, celebrate their improbable victory. They were all battered and exhausted and in pain, but they had  _won_.

"We did it!" Natsu whooped, bounding up beside Erza with Lucy and Happy in tow. She didn't know how he could have that much energy left.

"Good work," she said with a smile. "We all really came together and pulled it off."

"Yeah, it's such a relief that everything worked out!" Lucy paused and turned to Natsu, her head tilting curiously. "By the way, how did you know where Gray was going?"

A dark look flitted over Natsu's face. Erza darted a puzzled glance between the two.

"What?" she asked.

Lucy shrugged. "Gray disappeared, and Natsu just automatically knew where he went and took off after him."

"Zeref was immortal and I was supposed to die if he did," Natsu said shortly. "Of course the idiot was going to try iced shell."

Erza's elation fled instantly and her breath caught in her throat. "He didn't."

"Oh yes, he did. Even better, he apparently came up with some fancy magic add-on to wipe our memories of the fact that he ever existed. He's an idiot. I thought I'd finally gotten through to him, but I guess not."

Erza's hands clenched into helpless fists by her sides. Gray had tried pulling sacrificial stunts before, but she had thought he'd been doing a bit better…at least until Avatar.

Sound blurred in her ears, scrambling Lucy's worry and Natsu's grim anger. It killed her that Gray was doing this again. And suddenly she was angry too.

She spun on her heel, her gaze zeroing in on where Gray was sniping at Lyon and pushing Juvia off himself impatiently. She stormed over, ignoring the rest of the team calling after her.

"Gray Fullbuster!" she bellowed.

He started in surprise, abandoning Lyon and Juvia to whip his head around and stare at the furious redhead. "Oh crap, what did I do now?"

"What is this Natsu is telling me about you trying iced shell again?" she demanded, jabbing a finger into his chest.

"Oh, Gray," Lyon murmured. "You didn't."

Gray's face closed off instantly. "Zeref was immortal. What other options did we have?"

"You  _idiot_!"

"Erza, stop. You're making a scene."

"And what about this memory-erasing thing? You want to tamper with our  _memories_?"

"It would have made it easier."

" _Easier_? It's not about being  _easier_. You keep trying to protect us, but you won't just let us  _in_. It's Avatar all over again!"

"Avatar?" Gray's voice rose in disbelief. "What does Avatar have to do with anything?"

"You won't tell me what happened because you're trying to protect me, and I hate it! I'm your friend! You're supposed to let me help!"

"Nothing hap–"

"Stop it! Something definitely happened. You didn't just randomly stumble across this memory-erasing magic—you deliberately went looking for it. What happened that made you want to erase yourself so badly?"

Gray recoiled, eyes wide and disbelieving, and Erza wondered if she'd gone too far.

" _Nothing happened_ ," he hissed through gritted teeth, pulling himself back together. "You are making a scene in front of half of Fiore's guilds. Stop."

Erza didn't care about making a scene in front of every mage in Fiore. She had let him brush her off before, and it had culminated in him almost killing himself again. She was past the point of playing nice.

"Nothing happened?" she repeated incredulously. "Stop lying to me! You've lied to me for months!"

"I haven't–"

"Every time you told me you were fine, you were lying to me!"

Gray's eyes flashed dark with wrath and he pulled himself up to his full height. "You're right!" he shouted back, finally losing his temper. "I wasn't fine, I'm not fine, I'm not going to be fine. Is that what you wanted to hear? Why can't you leave me  _alone_?"

"I'm your friend! You aren't supposed to have to handle things alone!"

"But maybe I want to."

"That's  _exactly_ the problem." Erza's hands balled into fists, and hot tears were burning in the corners of her eyes again. "Why don't you trust me?"

"Trust?" He shook his head impatiently. "It has nothing to do with trust."

"It  _does_. If you trusted me, you would let me in. I can't help you if you don't let me in."

Gray shook his head again with a derisive snort and turned to stalk off. "It has nothing to do with trust." Bitterness crept into his voice as he added, "Celebrate your victory here and leave my losses alone. I have enough scars without you always tearing them back open."

Erza watched him walk away with a heart burdened with the knowledge of failure, and the tears finally slipped free and tracked down her cheeks. She sniffled and scrubbed at them.

Gray stopped and half turned back with a wince. "Oh, don't cry, Erza. It's not that I don't trust you. I'm just not ready to talk about Avatar."

"I sent you in there," Erza whispered, wiping furiously at her tears. "I need to know… What happened?"

An expression equal parts weary and grim settled over his features. "You don't want to know."

"But I need to."

He turned away. "We won a great victory here today. Can't you be satisfied with that for now? Leave the past in the past."

And as desperately as she wanted to go after him, she knew it was a bad idea and couldn't make her feet work anyway.

Gajeel let out a low whistle. "Almost wish I had popcorn."

Erza was too miserable to get worked up over the comment, and was even more so when she noticed several dozen people looking on in dead silence. Gray was going to hate her for bringing up his problems in front of all these people, and she already hated herself enough for ruining everything.

"It'll be okay," Natsu said awkwardly, goggle-eyed over the tears. "The ice princess is tough."

"The ice princess," Lyon said through gritted teeth, eyes narrowed as they followed Gray's retreating form, "is not okay."

"I should never have sent him in there," Erza mumbled, disconsolate. "Deep down, I knew he would never pull out no matter how bad it got."

But there was nothing she could do about it now. Her friends' weak comfort didn't bring her any solace, so she threw herself into the cleanup. There were people who were hurt, people who were still missing, people who were trying to figure out how to get the supplies to care for everyone in this mostly ruined city. There was plenty to do.

She threw herself into the work and did her best not to brood over Gray. She always kept an eye out for him, but didn't run into him until the sky had begun turning a dusky gray. He was slumped back against a bit of broken wall, his face drawn and posture weary.

"Gray?"

His head fell to the side and he blinked at her slowly. "Erza."

"What have you been up to?"

"Finding injured mages and getting them to Porlyusica. But the sun is going down, and I'm exhausted."

"You look it." Erza ran her eyes over his battered body and the myriad frost-covered wounds. "Have you had her look at  _your_ injuries?"

"Nah. I'll be alright for now, and there are people who need help way more than I do."

"I have some spare bandages, and we've staked out a building to spend the night in. Do you…?"

She trailed off and shifted uncomfortably under his scrutiny.

"Are you going to harass me about Avatar?" he asked, although he sounded more tired than hostile.

"No. We can call it a truce for now."

Gray hesitated a moment longer before standing and pushing himself away from the wall, swaying slightly. Erza bit her lip and didn't comment, although her heart fluttered with delicate hope as he picked his way over to her.

They found the crumbling house where Natsu and the others were setting up camp  
without too much difficulty, and Erza unsubtly convinced them not to ask too many questions as she bandaged up Gray's injuries. He murmured a soft thanks and curled up in a ball to sleep. The others weren't far behind, exhausted from the war and its aftermath.

Erza was woken a couple hours later by someone shaking her gently. Her eyes narrowed against the darkness until she could pick out Gray's features. He held a finger to his lips and jerked his head. Erza glanced back at the rest of the sleeping team and then stood to follow him outside and perch on the wall under the stars.

"Are you okay?" she asked. She wasn't sure how much she was allowed to ask while they were on shaky ground, but she couldn't help herself. "Can't sleep? Or nightmares?"

"Mhm." Gray was silent for a long time, frowning into the shadows. "Secret," he said finally.

"…Huh?"

"They had pretty rigorous hazing rituals. In Avatar." He looked down at his hands and Erza stayed very still, hardly daring to breathe in case she convinced him to stop. "They were really hard on me because they thought I was a traitor from the beginning. That's where I got most of the scars from."

"I'm sorry," Erza said quietly. She hesitantly touched his arm. "It's a sad kind of guild that is so cruel to its own."

"Well, they knew I was from Fairy Tail, so that didn't help." Gray's face was almost bone-white in the moonlight, and his eyes glittered with a faraway light. "It wasn't anything too major—it's not like they would risk weakening the guild as a whole once I'd been accepted in—but they liked to test limits and poke to see if they could break you.

"They asked me for information too. About the guild and all of you. I had to give them enough that they'd trust me, but not anything that would be a serious problem. It was only small things, but every one felt like a betrayal to all of you."

"Oh, Gray, it wasn't." Erza's heart twisted as she searched his face. "You're the most loyal person I know. I figured they'd probably milk you for information. That's not your fault."

"Hm." Gray's eyes were glassy as if he wasn't entirely there. "They broke my wrists in the beginning, during the probationary period when they were doing their research on me. I couldn't use my magic properly for weeks. It was a 'precaution' in case I was just worming my way in to get them from the inside."

Erza felt her face scrunch up. She knew what a tight bond Gray had with his magic and how terrifying being left defenseless in the lions' den would be.

"They didn't. Gray, you should have just called me. I would have gotten you out."

"That's what they were counting on. That if I was a spy, I'd panic and try escaping or calling in backup." His shoulders hunched. "And that would have led them straight to you. I couldn't…do…that."

"You're always so worried about everyone else," she admonished. "You need to take better care of yourself. I would have been fine, and you would have been safe."

"It was an important mission. It had to be done, and I didn't want you any more involved than you had to be. But I was…" He faltered, but continued on haltingly. "I was…scared."

Erza swallowed hard, trying to imagine how terrifying it must have been to convince him to choke out those words. "Anyone would be. That's not something to be ashamed of. But you should have  _told_ me. I wanted to be there for you. I should never have sent you in there."

"It had to be done. And you… _were_ there. I couldn't…have done it without you. I needed to know you were there to keep myself sane. And then I…I…"

Erza touched him on the arm again and leaned her head against his shoulder. "That's enough for tonight. You don't have to say anything else right now."

Some of the tension drained out of his body, and he finally darted a glance up at her through his lashes. His eyes shone with relief, and his distress made her heart ache.

"Thanks," he mumbled. "Don't tell anyone."

"Of course not. You said it was a secret, didn't you? Thank you for telling me."

"Mm." He shifted and looked away again. "It's not that I don't trust you. It's just…"

"Yeah, I know. It's okay."

Neither of them was any good at baring their heart to the world, and Erza knew he especially didn't want to tell her anything because she'd blame herself.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," Gray mumbled.

"I yelled at you first," Erza mumbled right back. "I'm sorry I pushed you so much. I just… I worry about you."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Just…don't start with this iced shell stuff again, okay?"

"Okay." Gray was silent for a few seconds before sighing. "You should probably get some sleep."

"And you?"

"I don't know. Not yet."

"Well," Erza said, tilting her head up to regard the shining pinpricks in the velvet sky, "it seems like a perfect night to go stargazing."

And Gray's smile was sad, but he leaned against her and turned his eyes to the stars.

* * *

"Secret."

"Gray? Let's just…get out of here before Natsu and his tagalongs come back."

"Okay."

"…Alright, what's up?"

"You remember that other spy? After we sicced the Council on the other branch's practice ritual?"

"You said they killed him."

"Yeah, but they tortured him first. I wasn't there when they started, but once I got back… I can still hear his screaming sometimes, his begging for them to stop."

"That's horrible."

"There were few things they hated more than traitors."

"I'm glad they didn't do that to you."

"They would have. I listened to him screaming and watched his blood spill over the floor, and I knew it would be a hundred times worse if they caught me."

"I would have gotten you out, Gray. Any time you wanted, if only you would have asked."

"Mm. They would have ripped you apart too if they'd caught on to me. I couldn't risk blowing my cover in case… He never confessed, because he wasn't the spy. He was tortured and killed for something I did, and I can't help but think…"

"It wasn't your fault."

"Feels like it. He probably wasn't a nice guy given that he'd joined a dark guild, but still…"

"As horrible as it was, stopping that ritual saved the lives of dozens and dozens of innocents. If you can't help but blame yourself for his death, at least remember all the people you saved."

"…Thanks. Don't tell anyone."

"Of course not."

~.~

Erza yawned widely and squinted at the words on the page. She was twenty pages from the end, and she'd be damned if she didn't finish before going to bed. Sappy romance novels were a bit of a guilty pleasure every once in a while, and she needed to hide this one before anyone stumbled across it. As much as she scoffed at the total lack of realism, occasionally she dabbled in imagining. Which always left her unsatisfied anyway, because Jellal couldn't even be bothered to drop by to say hi much less sweep her off her feet.

Something clattered against her window, the sound shattering the nighttime stillness. Scrambling out of the blankets and hastily shoving the book under her bed, she rushed to the window and threw it open. A shadow waved at her from down in the street, and Gray inched into the dull circle of light cast by a streetlamp.

"Gray?" Erza hissed. Why was he here now? Was something wrong? "What–? Wait, I'll run down and let you in."

He shook his head and summoned up icy stairs that disintegrated as he passed. Erza stepped back from the window, marveling once again at the beauty and versatility of his magic. Gray clambered inside and shut the window behind him.

"What are you doing here?" Erza asked.

"I wander the streets sometimes when I can't sleep. I saw your light on and was surprised you were still up and…"

"Secret?" she suggested. It couldn't be anything good that kept him up at night.

Gray offered her a wan smile. "Sure. Secret."

Erza ushered him over to sit on the bed with her, in the midst of the blankets and pillows she'd constructed into a cozy nest. "What is it?" she asked, searching his face.

He was silent for a long time before saying, "It wasn't only that false spy, you know." He stared down at his hands, his eyes glassy. "We had prisoners sometimes. People who were interfering with our plans or had information we needed. We'd interrogate them and then…" He swiped a hand across his throat halfheartedly. "Goumon loved all forms of torture, and Mary looked sweet but had a mean streak a mile wide. And the people… I can still hear their screaming sometimes at night. It follows me."

"You didn't…" Erza bit her lip hard enough to draw out the coppery tang of blood. "There was nothing you could have done. They would have done worse to you if…"

"There was a girl," he said in a faraway voice, his eyes distant. "Maybe seven or eight. Pretty little thing. Her parents got mixed up with the wrong people, and we snatched them in the night and brought them back to the base. She got taken too. Her parents died in the dungeon without giving us any useful information.

"She was supposed to die too. No witnesses. I stood firm on not torturing a child—I said I'd take her out back and slit her throat and hide the body. I'd already…gotten a reputation for being cold and practical and no-nonsense, so it didn't seem that suspicious. I smuggled her out and told her to run as far as she could. No one dragged me down to the dungeon, so I guess she made it."

"That's good." Erza twisted her hands together and wished she knew how to dissipate the heavy melancholy hanging over her friend. "You did something good even though it was a huge risk, and you should be proud of it."

"Her parents are still dead," he said moodily. "I couldn't…"

"You can't save everyone, Gray, no matter how much you want to."

"…I know. They almost did the same to Lucy and Natsu and Happy. They would have. And I was…I was scared that I wouldn't be able to stop that either."

Erza reached out to cradle his face gently and force him to meet her eyes. "Gray, you are the most protective person I know. They were never safer than when they were in your hands."

He snorted softly, a wet sound. "Don't tell anyone."

"Of course not. I think that someday you should, but for now I'm just glad you're starting to open up a little."

"Like you can talk," he mumbled, pulling away and letting his gaze wander across the floor. "You're just as bad as I am."

Erza opened her mouth and then closed it again, her cheeks burning with the knowledge of her hypocrisy. For all she'd complained about Gray hiding his problems, she also had a bad habit of hiding behind her armor. How could she expect Gray to trust her enough to open up if she didn't trust him enough to give him anything in return?

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Secret."

He started in surprise, his brows knitting together. "You don't have to–"

"They tortured people in the Tower too, even people I'd known and cared about. If you were in the wrong place at the wrong time, you'd never be able to drown out their screaming. And you'd never be able to drown out the silence when they didn't come back."

"Erza…"

"Don't tell anyone."

"Of course not." Gray reached out and took her hand, his fingers wrapping about it snugly. Erza blinked down and then looked up into the dark pools of his eyes, melancholy and earnest. "You don't belong in chains, Erza. I would fight anything to make sure you stay free, and you know the rest of the guild would too."

She smiled shakily, ashamed of the tears burning in her eyes. "I know, although it took a long time to believe. After everything at the Tower and with Jellal…I had a hard time trusting."

"I did too," Gray said with an odd sort of smile, "after everything with Deliora. You had a hard time trusting the world, and I had a hard time trusting myself."

That struck Erza as so wrong. "That's really too bad, since I'd trust you more than anyone."

He sighed. "Funny thing, trust. One second it's there, the next it's gone."

"Don't be silly. You haven't given me a reason yet."

He grimaced and looked away. "I should let you get to bed."

But she didn't want him to go back into the night alone, with his memories shrieking in his ears. She grabbed his arm and pulled him back down into the mess of blankets.

"Stay," she mumbled around a yawn.

She almost laughed at his wide eyes and the red dusting his cheeks. His awkwardness with affection was endearing in an odd sort of way.

"But–"

"Sometimes the best way to keep the nightmares away is to have someone you trust beside you. I trust you. You trust me, don't you?"

Gray stared for a minute more and then flopped back into the blankets. "Of course."

* * *

"Secret. I didn't only hear it."

"Hear what?"

"The screaming, the torture. I saw a lot of it too. I was supposed to participate, but… I avoided it when I could, but sometimes I still had to. Nothing much, I didn't… It was just small things, but I did them and I knew that the others were doing far worse things."

"Oh. Oh. That's… I know you wouldn't have done it if you had any other choice, but I see why it bothers you."

"That girl? The one I smuggled out? I was with the team who snatched her parents. I wanted her to hide, but Jerome got to her first. I knew they'd be killed, but the others were there too and I couldn't…"

"I'm so sorry. But you saved her."

"And made her into an orphan."

"You–"

"I looked into her eyes and saw myself. I don't want to be someone else's demon."

"Oh, Gray, you're not… Look, secret. Jellal went strange after he tried to protect me in the Tower, and I always blamed myself for that. And for leaving my friends there with him. Even when they dragged me back all those years later, it felt like I was getting what I deserved because it was my fault."

"But it wasn't, Erza."

"Maybe not, but sometimes we can't help but blame ourselves for things even if they aren't our fault. Okay?"

"…"

"Gray?"

"…"

"Gray, are you alright?"

"…Secret. I don't…know how much you know about my father. You must have figured out part of it, but I never really told you…anything. You know he was with Tartaros? The necromancer raised his corpse after Deliora..."

"I'd heard… It's really horrible."

"Mm. I fought him and I…basically killed him. I mean, I might as well have, the damage was so bad. But I didn't kill the necromancer and I couldn't finish him off and…"

"I'm so sorry. That's not your fault, Gray. You didn't kill him. And as horrible as it is…maybe it's good that he found peace."

"I know. I should have killed the necromancer or finished him off, but I couldn't make myself do it."

"But…"

"Sometimes we blame ourselves for things that aren't our fault, but mostly it's because we blame ourselves for not being strong enough to protect the ones we love."

"That's… You're probably right."

"I am. Isn't that why you're so upset about Avatar? You know the things that happened to me weren't your fault, but you blame yourself for not being able to protect me from them anyway."

"…"

"It's okay. Think about it. Maybe that's what upsets you about Jellal too. Goodness knows it seems to explain most of my problems. But enough with all these secrets. I think that's enough for today."

"…Don't tell anyone?"

"Nah, it's okay. I trust you."

~.~

Erza drummed her fingers idly on the table. They couldn't take a job until Gray decided to show up, and it was already well past noon.

"But my rent," Lucy sighed for the fifteenth time that day.

"Yeah, when the ice block gets here," Natsu grunted.

Happy's tail drooped. "Maybe he's not coming. If he's upset about something…"

"But he's seemed a little better lately," Lucy said hopefully. She appealed to Erza, saying, "He's always off whispering with you now. Is he telling you things?"

"Yes," Erza said cautiously. "But it's not my place to give away his secrets. I think he should tell you someday, but for now… For now he's still figuring out how to open up."

Lucy sighed. "I wish–"

"Shhh," hissed Natsu. "He's coming."

Erza schooled her expression to neutrality, fighting off the urge to squirm at almost being caught talking about her friend behind his back. Soft footsteps approached and stopped behind her, and warm breath tickled her ear as Gray bent down.

"Secret," he breathed into her ear. "I'm having a bad day. Walk with me."

Erza was already rising to her feet. "We'll do the job later," she said to the team, before following Gray out of the building. "What's wrong?" she asked as they started down the street.

"Who knows?" Gray stuffed his hands in his pockets and shuffled along the street, eyes fixed on the cobblestones. "Secret. Sometimes I just have bad days, sad spells. Everything turns gray and hopeless for a few days, a few weeks, a few months. Sometimes there's an obvious reason, sometimes not. Maybe I have a lot of reasons to feel down, but right now I don't know which one it is."

Erza mulled that over, surreptitiously eyeing the dark circles under Gray's eyes and the haggard, weary cast to his face. "So…depression, then?"

He pulled a face. "What an ugly idea. They're just bad spells."

"It's nothing to be ashamed of," Erza said gently, although the thought made a worm of discomfort squirm in her stomach. "What do you normally do when you feel down?"

"Hide in my apartment, wander the streets, sleep a lot, mope." Something almost like a smile flitted across his face, although it appeared distorted and wrong. "Eat ice cream. I thought I'd invite you to get some with me. Trust me, you'll like it. They have strawberry."

"Wha–?"

If Gray hadn't just sprung the revelation that he was depressed on her—maybe she should have picked up on the signs over the years, maybe she  _had_ , but that didn't mean she had wanted to admit it to herself—then Erza might have laughed. He dragged her into the ice cream parlor and then whisked her back into the streets, now each holding a cone heaped with pink ice cream studded with pieces of strawberry.

"You're like a kid," Erza grumbled, licking her treat and instantly falling in love when the strawberry flavor hit her tongue. "I'm surprised you like this."

"Why? I like strawberries, just not that sickly sweet cake of yours."

"There's something wrong with you," she griped, before thinking better of her words and wincing. She had no idea what she was supposed to do now. He clearly wasn't in the mood to dissect his problems, and all she really wanted was a way to make him feel even a little better. "I… I can't say that I have episodes like yours, but sometimes I get down too. Ice cream is great, but cake is the best pick-me-up. And ice cream goes great with cake."

Gray licked his cone stubbornly, unconvinced. "I don't like your cake. If you want some, you can get a slice."

"Oh, don't be a spoilsport. I'll even buy."

Despite Gray's protests, she dragged him all the way to the bakery and ordered the smallest slice of every kind of cake they had…except for strawberry, which she got a large slice of.

"What are you even going to do with all that cake?" Gray complained as he followed her to a table on the outside patio. "You can't eat it all."

"We can get a box and take the rest back with us. I'm going to find a flavor of cake you like, if it's the last thing I do."

"We already have ice cream! How can you stand to eat so many sweets all in a row?"

"Just hurry up and finish so you can get to trying cakes."

Gray grumbled mutinously under his breath, but Erza let him be because she could see his dark mood hanging over him like a cloud. He caught her looking and stared back. Abandoning his ice cream, he gnawed on the inside of his cheek.

"And why have you been down lately?" he asked.

"What?"

"It's nothing really obvious, but something has been bothering you and it's not just me this time."

Erza let out a breath and stared down at her melting ice cream. "It's… I've decided to give up on Jellal. He was pardoned, he's done his penance, but he still hasn't come back for me. And…I'm tired of waiting. I'm moving on."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It would have had to happen sooner or later. As much as I wanted… To be honest, maybe he wasn't really what I was looking for. I think I need someone more like you."

Gray leaned back, red dusting his cheeks as his eyes widened and he coughed awkwardly. Erza immediately flushed with mortification.

"Oh!" she said hurriedly. "I didn't mean… I just meant that maybe I need someone who has been there for me and who I can count on, someone who can get me to open up and connect with me on a deeper level like you have. And the truth is that even if we loved each other, he hasn't been here for me like you. That's all. Nothing…weird."

Gray nodded to himself and crunched on the last of his cone before meeting her gaze again. "Sure." One corner of his mouth quirked into a sad half-smile. "He's a foolish man for letting you go. I hope that someday you find what you're looking for. You deserve it, and I hope it makes you happy."

Erza smiled back a little shyly, her cheeks heating again. "Thank you. Now try some cake!"

There was much grumbling and stalling before Gray reluctantly dipped a fork into a piece and took the smallest bite imaginable. He paused, a strange expression crossing his face. He took another bite.

"Huh," he said in surprise. "That actually  _is_ pretty good."

"I told you!" Erza crowed in triumph. "I knew I could find cake you liked!"

The utterly baffled look on his face made her burst into laughter, and he tilted his head to study her curiously. Then a small smile spread slowly across his face. There was still that sad air hanging over him, but the smile was real and it took Erza's breath away.

And although she still ached and bled inside, that smile soothed her ragged edges and healed a little piece of her broken heart.

* * *

"Secret. When I first went after Deliora…I didn't expect to win."

"What?"

"I'd only been learning magic for a few months. I was a kid. I didn't have a chance, but I didn't care. I couldn't take it anymore and… I don't know. And maybe a few times since then, I've…"

"…"

"But I've never really, like,  _done_ anything."

"…"

"I mean, okay, I almost used iced shell a couple of times, but other than that I haven't really… Is it bad that I think about it sometimes?"

"…"

"It is, isn't it? It's mostly only in my bad spells, but I usually know better than to…"

"…"

"Erza?"

"…"

"Erza, are you alright? Sorry, I know it's morbid. It's not really that bad, honestly. It's not–"

"Secret. Sometimes I wish I could protect you from yourself."

~.~

Erza swore colorfully under her breath and tore the remnants of Gray's tattered shirt into strips to bandage the bleeding wounds across his chest and arms.

"Hey, are you alright?" she asked.

Gray's head lolled, but he nodded. "Sure," he mumbled. "Fine."

"Fine?" she asked with a dangerous glint in her eyes, remembering how 'fine' had gone last time around.

He grimaced, realizing his mistake. "Hurts like hell and I might pass out at any second, but it's not all that serious."

He tried to sit up, but Erza pushed him back down unceremoniously. "Stay still," she snapped. "You shouldn't be moving."

"What were you  _thinking_?" Lucy asked. She hovered overhead and looked on white-faced as crimson dribbled across Gray's skin and soaked into the ground. "You just  _froze_."

Gray's gaze slid away. He batted at Erza's hands weakly and layered ice over the worst gashes.

"She shouldn't have been able to touch you," Natsu said, his mouth twisted into an unpleasant expression. "What the hell happened, ice block?"

"Nothing," Gray grunted. "Got distracted, I guess."

There was something else. The rogue wind mage they'd crossed paths with on their job hadn't been particularly powerful or crafty, but Gray had suddenly, inexplicably frozen and earned more than a few nasty slashes for his misstep. And whether or not he thought it was a big deal, his eyes were glazed and he'd lost a great deal of blood.

But that wasn't really what had Erza worried. Something had changed in the moment he had frozen, and there was something wrong with his eyes now. They glittered like broken glass again. He was back to keeping secrets, and she wished she could make him cough them up.

"Let's get you back," she said with a sigh.

He couldn't keep himself upright without assistance, so Erza and Natsu had to help him back to the guild while Lucy and Happy hovered alongside and asked worried questions every time he stumbled. He was drawn and pale and only half-conscious by the time they got back, and they were greeted with the news that Wendy was not there.

By the time Porlyusica was fetched and Gray was safely bandaged up and asleep in the infirmary, everyone was exhausted. They didn't have long to recover.

It was only a few hours later when a muffled cry sliced through the quiet chatter of the guild and everyone went racing for the infirmary. Erza sucked in a breath as she saw Gray curled up in a quivering ball on the bed, face tucked into his knees and breaths shuddering.

"Gray!" she cried, rushing over. "Are you alright?"

It was a stupid question. He obviously wasn't alright.

"Go away," he mumbled shakily.

"No. Don't shut me out after all this."

"…Get them out. And the dragon slayers. Get them out."

Erza puzzled over that, before making the connection to the dragon slayers' superhuman senses. She turned and flapped her hands, ushering everyone back out of the room.

"Go on, go on. Natsu, Gajeel, Wendy, go wait outside or something. He won't talk if he thinks you're listening."

Natsu scowled. "But–"

"Come on, Salamander," Gajeel grunted, grabbing Natsu's shirt and towing him along.

"Let's let Erza-san handle this, Natsu-san," Wendy added.

Erza watched the dragon slayers disappear out the front door before turning back to the infirmary with a fortifying breath.

"Good luck," Lucy mumbled.

Erza would need all the luck she could get. She shut the door behind her and perched on the bed beside her trembling wreck of a friend.

"What happened?" she asked gently.

"She looked too much like the other woman," Gray mumbled, keeping his face hidden from view.

"What other woman?"

"The one I…the one I killed."

" _What?_ " Erza stared, her heart skipping a beat and dancing about erratically as she tried to make sense of that.

"I didn't want to," Gray moaned into the blankets. "It was a test… I had to prove that… They'd already tortured her, they would have killed her anyway. I was so fast… It's what gave me the reputation for being so callous and uninterested in their stupid games. They thought I was so dark because of how I didn't care at all."

"You care so much," Erza mumbled stupidly. She couldn't wrap her mind around it.

"I couldn't have gotten her out, not while we were trapped in the heart of a dark guild. Maybe I could have–could have gotten myself out, but she was already injured and I couldn't… I was afraid that if I–if I blew my cover, it would lead them straight back to you. And we would–would lose the chance of stopping that ritual and it would be my–my fault that all those people died."

"Oh.  _Oh_." Erza slid her arms around Gray as best she could. She didn't realize she was crying until a hot tear rolled down her nose. "You did what you could, I know you did. It was an impossible situation."

"I thought about…about turning myself in to the Council, after. Because I should… But then you'd know and everyone would know and I–I–"

"We would never think any less of you. It's not your fault, Gray. You don't belong in jail."

"I'm sorry," he breathed. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

And Erza's heart broke.

"You were right," she mumbled around her tears. "It hurts so much because I couldn't protect you no matter how much I wanted to." She pulled him close and curled around him, rocking slightly. "I–I so badly wish that there was–was something I could say to make it better. But there's nothing, is there?"

Nothing she said now would mend his heart, and she couldn't come up with any words at all.

Gray shifted and pressed against her, one hand sliding into hers as if to comfort her. But he continued to shake with muffled sobs and whisper his semi-coherent apologies, and Erza held him and cried until he fell into an uneasy slumber.

She held him for a long time after, too, wondering how she could have allowed him to go into something that had destroyed him so thoroughly. Gray—her Gray—wasn't a killer, and forcing the Reaper's scythe into his hand would kill him long before it killed anyone else. Avatar had tried turning him into someone he was not, and every reluctant step he took to survive and complete the mission and protect Erza—why, why, why had he given up so much to protect her?—had killed another piece of his soul.

Erza couldn't bear to let him go, but eventually it occurred to her that the others were waiting and worried. Giving his face one last searching look and wincing at how pinched and unhappy it was even in sleep, she gently laid him back down and pulled the blankets over him.

"I wish I could make you forgive yourself," she whispered into the silence.

Then she drifted out of the room like a ghost, numb and shell-shocked. The guild was empty. She stared at the vacant room for a long moment before crossing to the front door and peeking outside. Everyone was waiting there, clustered in small groups and talking in hushed voices. They all turned expectant eyes on her when she appeared, and the worry on their faces immediately deepened. She suddenly realized how horrible she must look, red-eyed and blotchy-cheeked.

"Are you alright?" Lucy asked. "What happened?"

Erza shook her head slowly. "Those are his secrets. It's not my place to tell them."

"Okay, but…" Lucy trailed off, helpless frustration coloring her worry.

Erza understood. It was so heartbreaking to know someone you loved was suffering and be unable to do anything about it.

"I'm a horrible person for sending him in there," she mumbled, more to herself than anyone.

"Don't be silly," rasped a voice from behind her. She started in surprise and spun around, her eyes widening as Gray limped over. "I was the one who chose to go."

"I thought you were asleep," she said automatically.

He shrugged, and his gaze skated across the sea of faces before dropping to the ground as if he couldn't bear to meet anyone's eyes. "I want to go home," he said in a small voice.

He looked horrible and so did Erza, and there was no hiding this from the others now. But the guild showed great restraint in not prying any more than need be after realizing that their fussing was not well-received, and Erza was going to get Gray home if that was what he wanted. He didn't protest when she wrapped an arm around him and helped him limp down the street, and they neither spoke nor looked at each other the whole way to his apartment. Erza had no idea what to say, and she doubted he did either.

Gray collapsed onto his bed and Erza hovered uncertainly, unwilling to leave but unsure of whether she should stay.

"You can stay," he mumbled. "If you want to. Sometimes the best way to keep the nightmares away is to have someone you trust beside you, right?"

Erza coughed out a wet laugh and sank down onto the very corner of the bed. "Yeah. Gray… You know I don't love you any less, and the others wouldn't either."

"Mm."

"I know you would only do something like that if you really had no other choice, and I still accept you for who you are no matter what you had to do. You can look me in the eye, you know. I'm not ashamed of you."

"Mm."

"I…wish I could help you."

Gray let out a breathy almost-laugh. "You always have. Sometimes you're the only thing that keeps me sane."

Erza believed him, she knew the sentiment was genuine enough, but somehow it wasn't satisfying when she still couldn't heal his heart. "Well, I wish I had more to offer than… I know your darkest secrets and I love you anyway. Now if only you could just love yourself."

Gray's smile was wan, but he met her gaze for the briefest of seconds before curling back into the blankets. "I suppose your love will have to be enough for now…although it always has."

* * *

"I still feel like…"

"It's not your fault, Erza. It's just how things worked out."

"…Yeah…"

~.~

Erza hugged her knees tightly and buried her nose in them as she stared out at the river winding through the grass. She hadn't come here in a long time, but today it had been calling her again.

Her lips trembled, and she pretended not to notice that her vision was blurred with tears. She was such a mess, even though Gray was the one who should…

He was, though, honestly. She didn't think he had met her eyes once after his latest revelation. Anyone's eyes, really. He was quiet and withdrawn, with dark smudges beneath his eyes and a marked lack of interest in the things he usually enjoyed.

She couldn't imagine what it had cost him, to tell her.

But now he was distant and awkward, and the rest of the guild had a billion questions about what had happened. They had quickly learned that they weren't getting answers, but that didn't stop their worried prying. Gray obviously wasn't saying anything, so they focused on Erza as the go-between and it was wearing her down because she couldn't share the burden with them.

She was honored that Gray trusted her enough to share the secrets he wouldn't give to anyone else, but each one settled a new weight on her heart. She had asked for them, had encouraged him to keep handing them over, but each one had edges as sharp as broken glass.

She should never have sent him in there and taken that risk, and it was only worse to hear how much he had done specifically to protect her. She needed those secrets no matter how much they made her bleed, because they were her fault and her burden as much as his.

"Don't cry," said a soft voice from beside her.

Starting in surprise, she whipped her head around to see Gray settling quietly in the grass next to her. She had been so wrapped up in her own dark thoughts that she hadn't even heard him coming. And now she scrubbed at her tears hastily, horrified at having been caught. She had been trying so hard to keep it together so that she could be there for him, because he was the one who had been suffering. What good were her tears when he should be the one crying them?

"I-I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I–"

"You're allowed to be upset too," Gray said. He wrapped her in a tight hug and she collapsed against his chest, her hands fisting in his shirt. "I know it's been hard on you. I'm sorry. I should have taken your feelings into consideration more."

"What? You've always thought of me—of us—more than yourself."

Great, and now she had made him feel bad. Worse. She just couldn't do anything right anymore.

"None of it was your fault," Gray said quietly. "I knew there would be risks. I knew you would have rescued me at the drop of a hat, if only I'd asked you to. You did everything you could to make sure I was alright. Put the blame on Avatar, where it belongs."

Erza's body shook with silent sobs. "I should never have asked you to go in there," she whispered. "It was my idea, and I should have gone instead of pushing off the responsibility on you."

She didn't know if she could have actually done it, knowing what she knew now about what had happened there, but the principle stood. She shouldn't have risked a friend's well-being and life on something that should have been her responsibility. If she couldn't have done it herself, she shouldn't have asked someone else to do it for her.

"…Didn't I tell you that I'd fight anything to keep you out of chains?" Gray asked. "I would never have let you go in there."

And that only made Erza cry harder. Avatar was Gray's Tower, and she was the one who had made it that way. She had made up all sorts of excuses why he would make a better undercover agent, but the truth was that she'd been afraid of going back to another Tower so she'd sent him instead. She hated herself for it.

"You're going to be okay," Gray murmured. One arm stayed wrapped around her snugly while the other stroked her hair, and he rocked them back and forth gently in the grass. "It was never your fault. You did everything you could. You helped me so much, keeping me grounded while I was there and being here for me now. I know it's hard, but thank you for helping me through."

They stayed by the river for a long time while Erza cried and Gray tried to soothe her. Even once Erza had finally cried herself out, she stayed huddled in his arms. She didn't want to leave. She desperately needed his comfort and warmth and protection, and being so close to him made some of the grief and guilt die down a little because he made her feel safe and loved.

Of course, she was the one who was supposed to be protecting him now, and he had enough problems without having to worry about hers.

So she finally wriggled out of his grasp and stood, shivering at how cold and bereft the loss of contact made her. She immediately wanted to crawl back into his arms, but stood tall.

"We should probably…" She trailed off, having no idea what they should actually do now.

Gray pulled himself to his feet more slowly and brushed stray grass off his pants. "Come on, then. We'd better get some cake and ice cream. I'll even buy."

He held out his hand, and finally met her eyes for the first time in days. Erza stood frozen in the gentle concern that was layered over all of his own grief and guilt in his eyes. Her lips trembled, but she took his hand and let him lead her away.

No matter what else, she would always follow him anywhere.

* * *

"I really think you should tell the others, Gray."

"I'm not sure about that."

"Maybe not everything, definitely not all at once, but… I think it would be good for you."

"Hm."

"You told me, eventually."

"Hm."

"You told me and I accepted it all. I accepted you. They will too, you know. And I think that maybe seeing that will help you accept yourself too."

"…I don't know about that, Erza."

"Just think about it. I really think that you should trust them enough to let them in…and trust yourself enough to let them trust you too."

"…"

"Gray, please."

"…I'll think about it."

~.~

"I don't know if I can do this," Gray mumbled, his steps slowing to a stop just outside the guild's door.

"Of course you can," Erza said gently. She had been expecting his second thoughts to reassert themselves sooner or later, but she was determined not to let his insecurities stop him. She slipped her arm through his and met his gaze squarely. "You are strong and can do whatever you put your mind to."

He averted his gaze. "Maybe, but it's hard."

"You told me."

"Yeah, but…"

"This is your guild, and you should feel comfortable here. Avatar was never your guild. I know that dealing with them and losing Fairy Tail may have shaken your faith a little, but… This is your family, Gray. We're your family, and they feel the same way about you shutting them out as I did. Let them in so that they can help you…and so that you can feel at home again."

Gray swallowed and nodded, eyes fixed on the closed doors. "Okay."

"And I'll be right here," Erza added. She gave his arm a reassuring squeeze and let go. "It's not like you're doing it alone."

The barest hint of a smile flickered over his face. "Let's hurry up before I lose my nerve."

He pushed the doors open and headed straight for where Lyon and the rest of their team were waiting at a table in the far corner of the hall. They were quiet and tense. Erza had gathered them earlier, as soon as she had convinced Gray that it was time to open up a little, and they weren't expecting it to be easy.

"Are you sure you want to do this here?" she asked quietly, darting a glance around at everyone else laughing and talking and going about their business none the wiser.

"It's fine. Hopefully we won't make a scene. And if someone overhears a little… Well, don't try to tell me that you aren't going to try convincing me to tell everyone else eventually."

Erza smiled sheepishly, knowing it was true. The waiting mages looked up at their approach.

"Are you alright?" Lucy asked, taking in Gray's grim features.

"I've been better," he said, sliding onto the bench next to her. Erza seated herself beside him. "And I've been worse. But things have been a little better lately."

"Erza said you wanted to tell us…" Lyon trailed off and drummed his fingers on the table, expression drawn. He knew something had been wrong with Gray, and dropped everything to come here as soon as Erza suggested it.

"'Want' is a strong word," Gray muttered. "But I suppose she's right and I ought to."

"Go on," Erza said gently.

He was silent for a long time but then let out a breath through his nose. "I guess you must've noticed I've been… _off_  since Avatar. Some shit happened. A lot of shit, I guess. It was a dark guild and they knew I'd been in Fairy Tail, so we had a contentious relationship from the beginning."

He traced a scar peeking out from beneath his sleeve and extending halfway up his arm. "Mary. She didn't usually like to get her hands messy, but she made an exception for me. And Jerome."

He sliced a finger across his abdomen, tracing the scar by memory without lifting his shirt or even looking down. Erza looked on wide-eyed as he rattled off his laundry list in a monotone. He had told her a lot of what had happened, but he'd never bothered going through the story behind each scar. Even knowing that this wasn't even close to the most painful part of Gray's stay with Avatar, Erza's heart still ached. And to the others, who hadn't known anything at all, it must be even worse…if their horrified expressions were anything to go by.

"And they broke my wrists," Gray added almost as an afterthought. His eyes were glazed as he turned his hands over to examine them sightlessly. "I couldn't…use my magic right. For weeks. I couldn't have…I couldn't have even defended myself, if I'd needed to. And I knew what would happen, because I could hear the screaming. The screaming, the screaming, that haunts me.

"And the other spy, the one they thought was a spy, they ripped him apart and he screamed and screamed for hours and hours and the blood was everywhere and I knew–I  _knew_ …"

His face was white, his hands trembling. He was falling apart, the careful control of before buckling as the words poured out in his rush to get them out before he lost his nerve. And Erza knew he wasn't ready for everything he was about to blurt out, even if he would be one day.

"That's enough for today," she interrupted in a quiet voice. She slipped her hand into his and squeezed gently. "That's a good start."

Gray finally looked up. The grateful relief in his eyes was crushing, and his shoulders slumped as the tension drained from his body.

"Thanks," he mumbled.

"Do you feel better?"

"…Not really."

"Do you feel worse?"

"…I don't know. But maybe…"

"But maybe it will get better," Erza finished. She still felt the weight of the secrets he carried, but he had come so far. She leaned close and whispered into his ear, "I'm proud of you."

He flushed and opened his mouth, but that was the moment Lucy said, "Oh,  _Gray_."

The spell holding the table frozen shattered, and suddenly everyone was fussing over him in their own ways. Happy crept over to snuggle, Lucy cried, Lyon looked like he wanted to kill someone for daring to touch his little brother.

And Natsu, being Natsu, blurted out, "I'll kill them for you, but I'm going to kill you too. You'll let them do all that, but you won't even let me beat you up? That's not fair!"

Erza groaned and rubbed at her temple, feeling a headache coming on. One corner of Gray's mouth slowly curved into a half-smile.

"Dumbass," he muttered.

"What was that, ice princess?"

Natsu lunged for Gray, who went scrambling to his feet. Erza moved to stop them, but paused. They were fighting like fools, but their eyes were alive. It was an odd friendship they had, but maybe the normalcy was good for Gray's soul.

Shaking her head, she left the boys to fight and the others to whisper and shoot looks at Gray. She only made it a few feet before Mira swept over.

"You aren't going to stop them?"

"Nah, not this time."

"Interesting." Mira tilted her head to study her one-time rival. "You've seemed a bit down lately. Have you seen Jellal?"

"…I have not. I'm actually…" Erza hesitated but then said, "I'm actually tired of waiting for him, and I don't know if he's even coming back. So I'm moving on."

Mira patted her on the arm. "I'm sorry, but maybe it's for the best. You deserve someone who will be here for you."

"I…know. I realize now that it wouldn't work, but…it's still sad to know that the person I thought would be there for me isn't…and never really was."

Mira smiled a little sadly. "I'm sorry," she said again. "But I hope you find someone else. It's not the end. It doesn't mean you'll be alone."

"Sometimes it feels like it."

"For such a smart girl, you sure can be dense," Mira said, shaking her head. Erza bristled, but the other woman was already turning away as she said, "Maybe if you hadn't always been so busy waiting for the one who was never here, you would have noticed the one who always was."

Erza made to call after her, wanting an explanation for the cryptic words, but was distracted when Gray slammed Natsu up against the wall.

"Huh," said Natsu, arching an eyebrow. "I guess you're still pretty tough after all."

Gray blinked back uncomprehendingly but then snorted and released his friend, turning away with a faint smile. "You'd better believe it, squinty eyes."

Odd friends indeed. But it made Erza's heart lift to see that Gray had taken such a critical step, and she was hopeful that this was going to help him heal. They had both faced terrible things, but they were fighters and she had to believe this was a war they would win.

Still, she pondered over Mira's words and wondered why the other woman had kept looking at Gray the whole time. But maybe Erza shouldn't judge, since she seemed to always find her eyes and heart following Gray these days too.

* * *

"Hey, Gray?"

"What's up?"

"It's almost Christmas."

"Sure is. I'm crossing my fingers for snow this year."

"Yeah, a white Christmas would be awesome. Anyway, I was thinking that maybe we could…have a picnic again? But do it right this time. I mean, it was kind of pathetic last year."

"I thought it was very nice last year."

"Well, I'll do it better. And bring cake this time."

"As long as it isn't all strawberry."

"Yeah, yeah."

"But seriously, it was perfect just the way it was. It doesn't need to be fancy."

"I want it to be the best it can be."

"Hm. Well, we'll probably have to do it for lunch this year. I bet the guild is going to have a huge party in the evening."

"Yeah, it'll be so nice to celebrate with everyone again."

"It's definitely better when everyone is together."

"For sure. Things are really looking up, and we're going to be okay."

"…You know, I think I actually believe you."

~.~

"I can't believe it's not going to snow," Lucy complained, scowling out the window.

"It's probably going to snow next week," Happy said.

"But next week isn't  _Christmas_. I wanted a white Christmas!"

Erza did too, but that minor disappointment was outweighed by her contentment for how the rest of the holiday had gone. Fairy Tail was together, and she didn't miss the lonely holidays when they'd been lifetimes apart. There had been parties and gifts and laughter and copious amounts of eggnog courtesy of Cana.

And her picnic with Gray earlier in the day had gone exceedingly well too. She snuck a glance at him out of the corner of her eye, her lips curling into a small smile. There hadn't been the fear and pain of last year, but their picnic seemed to be becoming a tradition and she wouldn't have it any other way.

He had been more positive and cautiously optimistic lately and it gave Erza hope. It was good to see him slowly healing, and she healed with him. Maybe they healed each other.

Since she was watching him—it seemed like she was almost  _always_ watching him these days, as embarrassing as that was—Erza spotted Gray stand up and turn away.

"Gray?" she called after him.

He threw a grin over his shoulder, his eyes sparkling. "I'll be back."

Erza watched, puzzled, as he wove through the groups of carousing mages to dart up the stairs and disappear from view. She had no idea what he might be doing on the second floor. She listened to her friends' good-natured bickering for a couple minutes more before her curiosity got the better of her and she went after Gray.

There was no sign of him on the second floor, but he couldn't have just  _disappeared_. The only other place he could have gone was…the roof. Erza didn't know why he might've gone up there, but she might as well go check.

She spotted him right away, standing with his toes up against the edge of the roof as he looked out at the night. Her questions sprung to her tongue, but she forgot them all as the wind gusted past and carried a handful of snow flurries with it.

"It's snowing!" she said in shock.

The forecast had been all too dry for snow despite the chill, so it was a miracle they were getting even a few flurries. Unless…

Gray half turned, crystal snow glittering against his dark hair, and gave her a roguish grin. She picked her way carefully across the slippery shingles, marveling at the snow falling faster and faster around them.

"Are you making it snow?" she asked as she stopped by his side.

He chuckled throatily. "Snow is just ice crystals. It's not exactly my forte, though. It takes a lot of concentration and I probably won't be able to keep it up for too long."

"How pretty," Erza murmured, reaching a hand up to the sky. She grinned in delight and giggled as a snowflake melted on her finger. "I guess we'll get a white Christmas after all!"

"Yeah. Two Christmases in a row without snow can't be allowed to stand."

"But get away from the edge of the roof! Honestly, Gray. You're going to fall off."

He just laughed and jerked his chin out. Erza followed his gaze and drifted a step closer to the edge without realizing it. Magnolia's lights twinkled merrily in the darkness cloaking the city, and snow swirled through the night air in delicate eddies of white and shimmering crystal.

"Beautiful," she breathed.

"I'm waiting to see how long it takes for the knuckleheads inside to realize it."

Erza laughed. "It really is nice. Thank you, Gray. It's been a wonderful day. Helps make up for last year."

"Are you still on about that?" Gray's gaze drifted lazily across the sky. Erza had the sudden urge to brush the snow flurries out of his hair, but shook the feeling away. "Last year was…hard. For all of us. Everyone had a hard time without the guild, and for us Avatar was… But you know, every hurried conversation, every time I heard your voice, those few stolen minutes on Christmas…each one was a light in the darkness. They're what kept me going when I wasn't sure I could go on anymore.

"I couldn't have done it alone. You're the one who got me through when I needed someone. I mean, any of the others could have done it too, but it was bonus points that it was you."

Erza's throat tightened, some lingering edge of insecurity smoothed over and finally laid to rest, but she wasn't going to let anything spoil the pure joy of the holiday.

"Bonus points?" she asked instead, laughing breathily.

"Yeah."

A loud whoop came from down below, and a rectangle of yellow light sliced across the darkened street as the door of the guild was flung open and a crowd of mages poured out. Erza smiled as she watched her friends race out into the night and jump about in the snow. Their excited chattering broke the stillness of the night, and soon the street was alive.

She glanced over at Gray, who was also watching the mages below with a faint smile. And she knew that this was a gift for them as much as anything else. He might be watching from a distance, on the outside looking in again, but he was right in the middle of their family this time and she knew he felt it too.

"How long do you think it will take them to realize that it's you?" she asked with a laugh as Lucy's shrill voice shouted something about Christmas miracles.

"Hm…" Gray's voice had a distant quality, and now so did his eyes.

"Gray?"

"…Secret."

Erza stiffened, her breath catching in her throat and her heart plummeting like a stone into her stomach. Secret?  _Now?_ She didn't want anything to spoil the beauty of this moment…but maybe it was selfish to think like that. She would be here for him no matter the timing.

"W-what?"

Gray wasn't looking down at their friends anymore but off into the distance. "I've…been in love with you for a long time. Years, actually."

Erza stared, frozen. Whatever she had been expecting him to say, it had not been that. It caught her off guard and threatened to knock her off her feet, the world falling out from beneath her.

"I know there was always Jellal and you never really looked at me like that, and that's okay." Gray's lips twitched into a faint smile, fond and accepting with the barest touch of melancholy. "Nothing has to change. But I've been giving you all my other secrets, and I want to let this one go too. I'm ready to get it off my chest.

"And to get rid of the elephant in the room. I'm sure you must have noticed something or other. Mira says I'm hopelessly obvious…although I'd like to think I'm not  _that_ obvious. You don't need to do anything. I just don't want it hanging between us anymore."

Erza swallowed hard, her cheeks burning and her heart thumping wildly against her chest. She had never really considered that Gray might…love her. Like that. But it was hard to deny how close they'd become, inching closer and closer together one secret at a time.

_'Maybe if you hadn't always been so busy waiting for the one who was never here, you would have noticed the one who always was.'_

Except she had, hadn't she? In her own way? The constant stolen looks, the way her heart fluttered when he smiled, the weird blush that kept popping up at the oddest times, the need to hold and love and protect. Maybe she had just been afraid of diving in too soon after finally letting go of Jellal. And maybe she had been afraid of shaking up the status quo while Gray was still so broken after Avatar and desperately needed a friend to help him put himself back together.

But maybe she had been wrong to wait.

_'I think I need someone more like you.'_

"I…"

What was she supposed to say, though?

Gray finally tilted his face back towards her, his dark eyes and faint smile soft. "Why don't you go play with the others? I'll probably only be able to keep it going for another hour or two."

"I… Get over here."

Erza grabbed onto the front of his coat and yanked him down to smash their faces together. It was an awkward affair, with Gray flailing about in confusion and teeth scraping together like nails on a chalkboard.

She let him go and retreated, her cheeks flaming. She wanted to sink through the roof and die. She had totally just messed up her first kiss.

"Er…za…?" Gray stared back at her, dazed and confused. She had the feeling that his brain was still racing to catch up.

Erza took a deep breath and steeled herself to try again, because she couldn't bear to ruin things now that she finally had a chance. She was gentler this time, carding her hands lightly through his hair to brush away the snow clinging to its tips and then cradling his face. He stared back with wide eyes and swallowed hard.

"Erza," he mumbled, "you don't have to–"

"Of course I don't." She dropped one hand to his chest and felt his heart hammering away beneath his skin.

Stepping forward, she pressed herself against him and closed her eyes as their lips met. There was a long moment of awkward hesitation, but then Gray's arm slid around her and he kissed her back.

Erza's eyes fluttered open and she risked a glimpse of his dark, heart-achingly hopeful eyes and the glittering snow swirling all around them.

"Secret," she breathed into his ear, her hand tightening against his chest as his arm tightened around her waist. "I love you too. Let's tell everyone."

**Author's Note:**

> I'll admit that I only ship them like 30% of the time, but they can be super adorable X) Still better than either of their "canon" ships lol


End file.
